Magical Pretty Parody
by Daius X. Makina
Summary: An unholy, one-shot parody of everything magical girl-ish. May be more if you ask for it.


Sailor Pretty Wedding Magic Angel Cutesy Uber-Schlock  
  
  
  
It was a normal day in Tokyo. At least, for those of you who count three apocalypses, two minor cataclysms and an incident of jaywalking normal.  
  
Tokyo citizenry: "We're used to it."  
  
Anyway, it was as normal as anime Tokyo gets. Which really isn't all that normal, now is it? But the author rants, and if he doesn't stop his story will soon have to hurt him by shoving a magical girl bludgeon where the sun doesn't shine.  
  
Daius: *blinkblink*  
  
At that very moment, another blissful sap of a heroine skipped off to school that day, unaware of the change that fate would throw at her like a drunken pigeon into a window.  
  
"Not the tomato, it's mine! Take my octopus; I hate the way it looks!"  
  
Thus sang our latest heroine, far, far too preoccupied with her music to notice the pigeon on a collision course with her head.  
  
Pigeon: *THWACK* "Son of a BITCH!"  
  
Musashi blinked at the bird that had made a perch on her face. After removing the fish, she held the bird up by its tailfeathers.  
  
"Did you just talk?" she asked it.  
  
"Only because I ran into you, you stupid-" It blinked. "Are you Musashi?" it asked, lighting up a cigarette.  
  
"Hai, that's me!" she shouted. "The beautiful, intelligent, talented, umm..."  
  
"Oblivious."  
  
"...Oblivious..."  
  
"Gullible."  
  
"...Gullible... hey!"  
  
Pigeon: *snicker* "Gotcha."  
  
Musashi(wringing its neck): "Bakayaro!!"  
  
Pigeon: "Whoa, whoa, this is cruelty to animals here!"  
  
"Anyway," it continued, once Musashi had taken her hands off its neck, "I'm Teriyaki, an agent of the Cutesy Pansy-Ass Kingdom, and YOU are the reborn princess."  
  
"Wow, I'm a princess? Really? Kakkoi!! I knew it!"  
  
"*ahem* You're also the world's only protection against the 'We're- not-Dark-just-shaded-badly-Kingdom'."  
  
"The 'We're-not-Dark-just-shaded-badly...'"  
  
"You're a fan of magical girls, right?"  
  
"Hai! Tonde Buurin is SOO cool!"  
  
Teriyaki smacked his forehead. "Hoo boy. I'm gonna need to do some serious work with this one."  
  
"And her pig form is SOOOOOOOOOO kawaii!! Ne? Ne? Ne?"  
  
Teriyaki promptly began gagging.  
  
"ANYWAY," he interrupted, "YOU are Sailor Youmabait."  
  
"Kakkoi! I'm a magical girl!"  
  
"NOT SO LOUD!!!" he shouted at her. "The WNDJSBK could be around!"  
  
"The WNDJSBK?"  
  
"I'm NOT saying the full name every time I have to mention them."  
  
(Cue the youma popping out of thin air!)  
  
Youma: "ROOOOOOOAR!!!"  
  
Teriyaki(snicker): "Roar?"  
  
Youma: "Well, we didn't have the budget for SFX. So sue me!"  
  
"Musashi, shout 'Pretty FUCK-UP!'" (which he pronounced FOO-CUP.)  
  
"Pretty FOO-CUP?!" Musashi shouted incredulously at Teriyaki. "What the hell kind of henshin is that?!"  
  
But her angry shout was enough, as with many a nosebleed-inducing nekkid flash, she was suddenly clad only in ribbons!  
  
Musashi(PISSED-OFF): "What the hell is this?!"  
  
Teriyaki: "The Magical FUCK-UP, what else? Now hurry up and tie on your fuku! The youma's attacking with... o_O I can't repeat THAT in public."  
  
Youma: "BWAHAHA! You are powerless before my tentacle-wielding ass!"  
  
But thankfully for our readers who didn't like Doji (all three of you), Musashi opted to throw the pile of ribbons aside and dodged the tentacles, if just barely.  
  
"Teriyaki!" she shouted. "How about a BETTER henshin phrase? It's FREEZING!"  
  
"Try Magical Fuku-up!" he shouted.  
  
"Magical... Fuku-up? How is that any different?!"  
  
But again, saying it was enough, and with another nekkid flash, she was clad in a fuku, even if it WAS too small.  
  
"Teriyaki! How do I fight it? YIPE!" She dove aside again, just missing the tentacles.  
  
"You can start by protecting MEEEEE!" he shouted, diving into her exposed cleavage.  
  
Musashi(???): "How will hiding THERE protect you?"  
  
Teriyaki: "Well, if it doesn't, at least I'll die happy! ^_^"  
  
Musashi(punting Teriyaki): "Hentai!!"  
  
"Seriously, though," Teriyaki said, "you CAN win. All you have to do to disable the youma is attack the center of its tentacles!"  
  
"The center-? YUUUUUUCK!!!"  
  
"What are you complaining for? You HAVE gloves."  
  
"But how do I KILL it?"  
  
"Use your weapon! It's the Saint Beautiful Nuclear Dildo!"  
  
"The... WHAT?"  
  
"Shut up and attack, baka!"  
  
And so, dodging another strike with the tentacles, Musashi pulled out the Saint Beautiful Nuclear Dildo in all its radioactively cute yet perverted glory.  
  
Musashi: "Shin'ne, bakemono! SAINT BEAUTIFUL NUCLEAR DILDO!"  
  
And with a mighty shout, she stuck the weapon of love and justice and perversion right up...!  
  
Youma: O_O "Like a virg-AAAGH!!!"  
  
And with that it crumbled to dust. As Musashi went to put the weapon away, however, she noticed something.  
  
Musashi(o_O): "What is that SMELL?"  
  
Teriyaki(O_O): "I think I know. Hang on, I'll get the bleach."  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, back at the "We're-not-dark-just-badly-shaded" Kingdom~  
  
"So, after a thousand years, the Cutesy Pansy-Ass Kingdom had returned..." Queen Unilennium- who looked suspiciously like Rei Ayanami- said. "Americium! Show yourself!"  
  
General Americium popped out of one of the far too numerous shadows and bowed before the Queen. "Yes, my queen, I know. My youma was defeated, but fear not! For I have a plan that will once and for all eradicate our enemies!"  
  
"Very well, then, you may go."  
  
Americium began walking away... before falling down an open manhole moments later. Unilennium shook her head at the utter stupidity of her generals.  
  
"Why is it so dark in here, anyway?" Unilennium asked an underling.  
  
"Well, my Queen, perhaps because you haven't paid the electric bill this month?"  
  
"Oh, shut up."  
  
Later that night, at a bar~  
  
"I'm tellin' ya," Teriyaki said, now in human- and decidedly bishounen- form, "it's so hard to find good help these days."  
  
"Don't I know it," Unilennium muttered from across the table, half- drunk. "Say, you're kinda cute. What's your name?"  
  
"Teriyaki. What about you?"  
  
"Unilennium of the WNDJBSK."  
  
"My arch-enemy? Cool! Wanna go back to my place?"  
  
"Sure..."  
  
Teriyaki(looking at the camera): "So what if she IS the villain? I haven't had any in a thousand years, after all!"  
  
Unilennium(already topless!): "C'mon, Terry, let's go get ecchi!"  
  
Teriyaki(^_^): "And THAT is why it's GOOD to be the bishounen!"  
  
  
  
(End!) 


End file.
